


There's A Fire In Our Hearts, Baby

by mexicanfood420



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Fake AH Crew, I wrote this as a commission so like, It's like barely anything but y'know, M/M, Slight Freewood, aaaaa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-22
Updated: 2016-02-22
Packaged: 2018-05-22 12:54:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6080190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mexicanfood420/pseuds/mexicanfood420
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on: "The boys got on like a house on fire. In fact, they even did set the house on fire. About five times. It was the day Geoff walked in to find his bathtub filled with flames that he decided that everyone should just get their own damn apartment."</p>
            </blockquote>





	There's A Fire In Our Hearts, Baby

**Author's Note:**

  * For [poisonera](https://archiveofourown.org/users/poisonera/gifts).



Geoff Ramsey was not a patient man by any means.    
  
He was a cunning, vulgar, handsome criminal mastermind with entirely too many bullet wounds with just as many tattoos to match.

 

They raised the skin in some places; even denting the works of art he shone proudly on his arms.

 

Of course the work was hard.

 

He was in a gang, for Christ’s sake.

 

Boy, would his mother be proud.

  
  
Most knew him for that signature handlebar moustache of his, not to mention the tux he always seemed to be wearing.

 

Classy, sleek, dangerous.   
  
The man was a damn saint to some.   
  
No so more than his rag-tag crew of misfits, the Fake AH Crew.

  
  


There was Michael, a bear of a man, accentuated by the leather he wore against his back and the dark red hair peeking out under his beanie.

 

He was tall, brute muscle. 

 

Geoff picked him up when he moved to town; seeking a new life and all that.   
  
It’s funny how things work out sometimes.   
  


 

There was Gavin, the British asshole that always seemed to have his mouth hanging open.   
  
He’d come to America with some of the same thoughts as Michael. Move to a city, get a job, make a life for himself.

 

He fell in… Well… Literally.

 

Gavin had been window washing Geoff’s penthouse when he fell completely through the window.

 

Geoff helped him up, dusted the glass off of him, and welcomed him to the crew once he came to.

  
  


There was Jack, a gorgeous girl that'd somehow gotten herself mixed up in all of this. She'd been a hostage at one of the crew’s first heists, and it was only natural for Geoff to fall for her.

 

She had legs for days and beautiful red hair and this… Attitude… That made Geoff’s inside jump with excitement.

 

She didn’t put up much of a fight after Geoff explained everything to her.   
  
She’d always wanted a sugar daddy, anyways.   
  
  


There was Ray, the sniper. He was the only one that could snipe down cops while playing on his prized Nintendo DS at the same time. And he was damn proud of that.

 

His story was always a slight mystery to the rest of the group.   
  
There was only one thing that set him apart from the rest of them.

 

Ray Narvaez Jr. had a wonderful home life.

 

A great family that cared for him.

 

A roof over his head.

 

Actual, real, unadulterated  _ love _ .

 

He’d only been around seventeen when he’d gotten the ‘okay’ to move to America, getting a job at some flower shop in town.

 

...That flower shop, however, quickly became one of the best drug stations in the entire city.

 

He was selling everything from weed to crystal, while raking in a few grand a week all on his own.

 

Geoff easily convinced him that he was worthy of joining the crew, so, the boy with nothing to lose fell in tight under the leader’s wing.

 

Geoff still regrets it to this day, though.

  
  


And, last of all, there was Ryan. Nobody really knew anything about him. Well, except that he wore a skull mask and, on occasion, the lucky few were able to see the copious amounts of face paint he hid underneath that creepy-ass mask of his. 

 

The man was a mystery. 

 

But that was exciting. 

  
  


The Fake AH Crew were absolutely adrenaline junkies.

 

They got off on the excitement and the thrill of it all.

 

The excitement, the rush of being able to do just what they always.

 

They weren't the smartest bunch.

 

They weren't the coolest, either.

 

But they were Geoff’s family.

 

And he loved each of them with all of his heart.

 

...No matter how many times they set his house on fire.

 

And, now, as he walked back into his apartment, he couldn't seem to think about anything except how lucky he'd gotten.

  
He shrugged the paper bag of groceries up higher on his hip and made his way to the kitchen, setting it down on the cool, colorful granite countertop. The man sighed, still tired from the gang's most recent heist, and sagged his shoulders down a bit. 

 

Geoff allowed himself to relax for a moment, scrubbing a hand down his wrinkled face.

 

He let out a breath, pinching the bridge of his nose, rubbing gently at the corners of his eyes.

 

It was, then, when he realized why he  _ never _ let himself relax,  _ ever _ .

 

It was quiet in the penthouse.

 

Too quiet.

 

An odd smell caught his attention, and he sniffed sharply.

 

The smell stung his nose, but it was definitely familiar.

Too earthy to be the smell of freshly shot shells, yet too strong to be in another apartment.

 

Yep, something was definitely on fire. 

 

He closed his eyes and breathed in deeper, hoping that it was someone down in the park by his building burning leaves. 

 

No such luck. 

 

Something other than leaves was on fire, that was for sure. 

 

He sat perfectly still, taking in his surroundings, when he heard hushed talking from his apartment somewhere.

 

"No, god… Can't let Geoff… Bathtub… Fire." 

 

Of course those were the only words he could make out. 

 

It was too goddamn early for this bullshit.

 

He hung his head down low, hoping that it wasn’t actually Gavin Free’s voice he’d just heard, and hoping that he hadn't actually set Geoff's bathtub on fire. 

 

He pivoted and began stalking angrily down the hall, hand on the gun holstered at his hip, in case it wasn't someone he knew hiding in his bathroom. 

 

Or, well, in case it  _ was _ someone he knew in his bathroom.

 

He gently pulled open the bathroom door, a wave of smoke hitting him right in the face. Geoff coughed sharply, waving his hand in attempt to get any amount of fresh air.. 

 

He walked inside the doorway to find Ryan Fucking Haywood and Gavin God-Damned Free standing next to his tub, which was smoking profusely. 

 

And on fire.

 

Gavin’s face was stained a light black in some placed, on his cheeks and one small spot above his eye.

 

The young man looked panicked, clutching onto his boyfriend’s hand tightly.

 

Ryan was wearing his mask, so it was hard to tell if the guy had  _ any  _ emotions.

 

Well, except those that he had for Gavin.

 

Hearing a loud clattering behind him, Geoff turned around and saw Jack and Ray sitting peacefully on his counter, his comb collection sprawled sadly across the bathroom floor. 

 

Geoff sighed and, putting his head in his hands, commanded, "Get. The Fuck. Out." 

 

The four quickly scrambled for the exit, Ray's purple socks slipping on the slick tile. Gavin tripped scrambling out from behind the bathtub, stubbed his toe on the edge, and flipped over the toilet, landing flat on his ass. Ryan quickly slung Gavin over his shoulder and sprinted towards the door, eager to avoid the wrath of Geoff.

 

Ryan was one tough motherfucker, but he knew better than to get in the way of Geoff Ramsey when he was angry.

 

"You too, Michael."

 

Michael shuffled out from behind the bathroom door and quietly walked out, hands stuck awkwardly in the pockets of his leather jacket. 

 

Geoff grabbed the fire extinguisher hidden under his bathroom cabinet and began spraying down his bathtub, the copious amounts of documents and various other papers slowly ceasing to be on fire. 

 

When the fire had died out, Geoff sat the empty fire extinguisher aside, making a mental note to have it replaced by tomorrow, and walked calmly out of the bathroom to find all of Los Santos's most terrifying and most wanted criminals sitting petrified on Geoff's couch, all lined up in a neat row.  

 

"Who's idea was it. To start. A fire. In. My. God. Damned. Bathroom?" He asked, glaring at all of them.

 

Jack pointed at Ryan, Michael to Jack, Gavin to Michael, Ryan to Gavin, and Ray at himself. 

 

He sighed, wiping at his face. "Okay, can anyone tell me  _ why  _ you were burning stuff in my bathroom? And what were you even burning?" 

 

Jack slowly raised her hand. 

 

"Yes, Jack?" 

 

“Gavin found a bunch of stories written about us online, so we decided to print some off and burn them. It was a symbolic thing more than anything else.” She explained, shrugging lightly. “And, uh, because the cops could probably find us or something. Probably.”

 

“Gavin wrote porn.” Michael chuckled, jabbing his finger inside Gavin’s nose. 

 

“Gavin made some mistakes.” Gavin mumbled, pushing Michael’s finger away.

 

“My mom sent me a letter asking if I had found the right girl yet, and, as an avid hedgehog enthusiast, we had to burn it.” Ray shrugged, searching under the couch cushion and producing one of his checkered shoes.

 

“The papers insulted my plants.” Muttered Ryan, gently stroking the dracaena sitting next to Geoff’s couch. 

 

“Okay. Anyone have a  _ real  _ reason?” Geoff scrubbed a hand down his face, pinching the bridge of his nose in utter frustration.

 

Ray raised his hand.

 

“Anyone not high who has a real reason?”

 

Ray put his hand down.

 

Geoff sighed and grabbed the seemingly ever-present bottle of Jack Daniels off the coffee table. Unscrewing the lid, he tipped the bottle back and chugged a good portion of the amber liquid. “Okay, just- just don’t do it again, guys. Please. That’s the fifth fire this month. One more accident, and I may have to kick you guys out before the landlord does.” Geoff begged, setting the bottle gently back down on the table. 

 

They all nodded solemnly, standing up simultaneously. Gavin tripped on his own foot standing up, and sailed forward, slamming face-first into and through the glass coffee table. 

 

A deafening silence followed the loud crash, everyone afraid to speak. 

 

“Get. Out.” Geoff said tensely for the second time that day, eyes clenched shut. “All of you.”

 

So they left.

  
  


Days passed, eventually a week.

 

Michael sheltered up at some scummy motel with hookers for  _ days _ .

 

Jack naturally found her way back to Geoff after a day and a half of sleeping in her helicopter, which was parked on the roof of the penthouse.

 

Ray went back to the flower shop. He didn't sell anything, just geared up and shared a place with one of his old drug cartel buddies.

 

It was awkward and tense for a while, filled with simple, one-word texts of confirmed safety and almost no other contact between any of them.

 

Well, except for Ryan and Gavin.

 

The two actually ended up living together after the bunch split up.

 

Ryan had a safe house on the outskirts of town, y'know, just in case something went wrong during a job or he needed to hide  _ a lot  _ of cocaine of something.

 

It wasn't the biggest, just a simple little cabin-looking thing with a wood burner and a bed technically big enough for one.

 

But, they managed.

 

Gavin called it ‘cozy.’

 

Ryan liked it, obviously, since the guy basically grew up in a beaver dam.

 

That was one of the little things Gavin  _ did _ know about Ryan.

 

...And that his last name was ‘Baewood,’ or something like that.

 

It's not that Ryan didn't trust Gavin.

 

Well, of course he didn't, but that wasn't the point.

 

Ryan Baewood was a mystery, and that's exactly how he wanted it to stay..

 

He wanted to die as he lived; A mystery.

 

Gavin didn't like it when he talked like that, but, he was thankful for the small amount of moments when Ryan  _ would _ open up to him.

 

Even in the smallest, most simple of ways.

 

Perhaps telling him his favorite type of jam.

 

Or if he had an innie or an outie.

 

The day that Ryan told Gavin his favorite color was probably the best day of the Brits life.

 

“Yellow?!”

 

“..:What's wrong with yellow?”

 

“It's bloody  _ yellow! The piss color!” _

 

“It's also the color of dandelions and the sun and lemons.”

 

“Right, Rye, I know you're a plant freak and all--”

 

“I'm not a freak.”

 

“Right, right. Sorry. Sociopath.”

 

“That's better.”

 

...It was those cute little moments the two of them were able to share that seemingly kept them going.

  
  


Everyone in the group was sad and broke and without a shitstain of hope.

 

They all figured that'd be how it’d stay.

 

Well, until there was a group text from one Geoffrey Ramsey.

 

‘To:  _ The Fake AH Crew _

 

_ Burnie’s tonight @9. Be there or be square. _

 

_ Bossman.’ _

 

No one had been expecting this.

 

It came as a shock to them all, but they’d obviously show up at the bar on time that evening.   
  
Burnie’s was The Fake AH Crew’s spot.

 

Their all time favorite place to dick around and drink copious amounts of alcohol.

 

Well, except for Ryan.

 

He only drank diet coke. 

 

Gavin still hadn’t figured that one out yet.

  
  


Well, anyways.

 

They drank, joked, and just dicked around for a few hours.

 

Most of them were heavily intoxicated by the time Gavin came up with the glorious idea to rob a pet store.

 

All of them, including completely-sober Ryan, were totally down.   
  
So, dressed in the brightest yellow outfits they could steal from a local fire station, they walked over to the chosen pet store.   
  
There was everything from mice to chinchillas, even puppies and snakes.   
  
Easily getting inside with the help of Ryan’s lock picking skills, the group quickly got to work.

 

Ryan grabbed a few puppies, some of the smaller ones. He shoved them all into his firefighter jacket, giggling with joy.

 

Gavin grabbed several snakes, keeping them all in his pants. He made more than a few jokes to Ryan about having snakes in his pants.

 

Geoff screamed and eventually ran out after rescuing all the mice in his fireman’s hat because snakes are fucking scary.

 

Michael found the lizards.

 

Michael put the lizards in his poofy hair, putting his beanie on next, careful not to smash the tiny babies.   
  
Ray was busy at the all-night taco stand outside the building, blazing it up with the taco dude.

 

Jack grabbed a few cats, holding them under her arms.

 

And they went back to the penthouse like that.

 

Drunkenly stumbling down the main streets of Los Santos.

 

Carrying tons of animals.

 

Of course Ryan knew this was a horrible idea, but he couldn’t have been happier.

 

Everyone was so happy to be together again.

 

And, seeing Gavin smile and have snakes in his pants was enough to make him steal a bunch of puppies.

 

The cops were soon on their tails, but Ryan soon got rid of that problem by hot wiring a limo. 

 

He drove, of course, since he was the only one not puking in the back seats.

 

They soon arrived, all giggling as they ran up all the steps, momentarily forgetting that elevators kind of exist.

 

It was a dumb, drunken night filled with animal hugging and laws being broken.

 

But, that’s what the crew did.

 

They were all stupid idiots who got drunk and robbed pet stores, sometimes even setting some stuff on fire in a man’s bathtub.

 

But, right now, sitting in various spots on the floor of Geoff’s penthouse, nothing had ever felt more like  _ home  _ to any one of them.

 

So, maybe they  _ were _ stupid. 

 

And dumb. 

 

And reckless.

 

But, they were a family.

 

With their three cats, four snakes, eight lizards, two puppies, and twelve mice.

 

Geoff was laughing that lovely belly laugh of his, head thrown back and mouth hanging open.

 

Ryan was keeping the mice away from the snakes, building them a little house out of a cardboard box he’d found.

 

Michael was making name tags for his lizards.

 

Keith, Angela, David, Sam, Mark, Victoria, Cheyenne, and Steven were the names he’d chosen.

 

“Dude.” Gavin was in shock by how absolutely awesome those names were.

 

“Sweet, right?” Michael looked prouder than ever.   
  
“Duuudee.”   
  
“I know, Gav. They’re so cool.”   
  
“Name one Henry Dilmond.” Gavin blurted out, giggling.   
  
“What? No. That’s a horrible name. Name one of your snakes that.”   
  
“Who the bloody hell would name a snake Henry Dilmond?”   
  
“You.”   
  
“Haha. Yeah.”

 

Conversations were slurred and not really about anything at all, just stupid stuff off the top of everyone’s heads.

 

It was sloppy and crude and filled with dick jokes, laughs, and tons of smiles and infinite bong hits.

 

“You guys,” Geoff began, raising a bong like it was a glass of fancy wine. “You guys are the,” Hic. “best. I love you guys.”   
  
Gavin made fake-ish gagging sounds, the rest of them cheering and raising whatever they had in their hands.

 

Michael raised a lizard.

 

Ray raised his empty hand.

 

Jack raised a cat.   
  
Ryan raised Gavin, holding him up while the man giggled uncontrollably.   
  
“King Geoff is making a declaration,” He belched loudly, swaying a bit. “I declare that you all may re-enter my kingdom and stay forever! Now, go fight each other over the best rooms!”   
  
Ryan, obviously, looked a little shocked.

 

He dropped Gavin, who just squaked and went back to playing with the lizards on the floor.   
  
He, however, was  _ not _ complaining. 

 

Of course he liked living with Gavin for that short time, but he missed all his buddies.   
  
He soon ran off, however, claiming Michael’s old room, which had been the biggest and the most grand, considering he was the second member of the crew.   
  
He found Ray down the hall claiming his room, dick whipped out and peeing all over the floor, writing his name in it.   
  
Ryan just ignored it, chuckled, and went out into the living room to find his boyfriend again.   
  
  
After a night of awesome, drunk sex, Geoff woke up with a pounding headache.

 

He didn’t suffer from hangovers much anymore, simply immune to them.

 

So, when he woke up, he knew he’d immediately made some mistakes the night before.   
  
And, as Ryan informed him, those five mistakes would be staying in his penthouse from now until forever and ever, according to a video that Ryan had somehow managed to take the night before.

  
Oh, and there was a lizard in Geoff’s pants, so, that was cool.


End file.
